Embracing Wholeness: Why you don't need 'fixing'

In a world that often emphasises self-improvement and fixing perceived flaws, it's crucial to recognise that you are not broken. You are a complex, multifaceted individual who is constantly evolving and growing. The notion of needing fixing implies that there is something inherently wrong with you, which couldn't be further from the truth. Something I learned the hard way.

For years, I found myself entangled in a web of shame and control, unaware of how deeply these patterns were affecting every aspect of my life. In my personal relationships, I struggled to let my guard down, fearing vulnerability and rejection. Professionally, I micromanaged every detail, afraid of failure and judgment. The need for control became a prison, suffocating my ability to simply "be" and robbing me of the freedom to express myself authentically.

It wasn't until I experienced a breaking point—an overwhelming sense of desperation—that I realised something had to change. Through the supportive mirror of my partner and the guidance of psychotherapy and silence (my dedicated mindful meditation and yoga practice), I began to confront the roots of my shame and self-worth. It was a journey of exhuming buried truths from the depths of my being, uncovering layers of trauma that had long been hidden. It is no linear feat and I am ready to face the deeper nuances and traces from whcih these roots stem: trauma.

In our journey towards self-discovery and growth, it's imperative to understand the profound impact of trauma on our lives and sense of self-worth. Building upon scientific research and insights from experts like Bessel van der Kolk and Gabor Maté, we delve deeper into the intricate interplay between trauma, shame, and our perception of ourselves.

Bessel van der Kolk, a pioneering figure in the field of trauma research, has illuminated how traumatic experiences can shape our behaviours, beliefs, and emotional responses. Central to his work is the recognition that trauma is not just a psychological phenomenon but also a physiological one, deeply ingrained in the body's nervous system. Through his studies, van der Kolk underscores the pervasive nature of trauma, highlighting its ability to distort our perceptions of safety, trust, and self-worth.

At the heart of trauma lies shame—an emotion intricately intertwined with our experiences of pain, humiliation, and vulnerability. Van der Kolk's research underscores how shame can become internalised, leading to a profound sense of unworthiness and self-doubt. This internalised shame often manifests in destructive behaviours and patterns as individuals seek to cope with the overwhelming emotions stemming from their traumatic experiences.

Dr. Gabor Maté expands upon van der Kolk's work by emphasising the role of trauma as a primary determinant of our behaviours and worldview. Through his clinical practice and research, Maté has uncovered how unresolved trauma lies at the root of various mental health disorders, addictions, and chronic illnesses. He argues that rather than solely attributing our struggles to genetics or personal failings, it's crucial to acknowledge the significant impact of early life experiences and societal factors on our psychological well-being.

In addition to trauma and shame, the concept of "mindsight," as introduced by Dr. Daniel J. Siegel, offers a pathway to healing and self-awareness. Mindsight refers to our capacity to observe and understand our own thoughts, emotions, and behaviours with clarity and compassion. Through mindsight practices such as mindfulness meditation and reflective journaling, we can cultivate a deeper connection to ourselves and navigate the complexities of our inner world with greater ease.

As we integrate these insights into our understanding of trauma and self-worth, we recognize the importance of trauma-informed care and compassionate self-reflection. By acknowledging the impact of trauma on our lives and embracing the vulnerability of our shared humanity, we can begin to reclaim our sense of worthiness and cultivate a profound sense of wholeness. Through this journey of healing and self-discovery, we honour the resilience of the human spirit and embrace the inherent beauty of our imperfect, yet infinitely capable selves.